Movie theaters are struggling. The ability to watch new releases from the comfort of your couch, either legally or illegally, has caused theater chains to implement some novel plans. You now have reclining seats, some seats have phone chargers, some theaters will serve you actual meals at your seat, and some theaters even have a playground in them! For me, there is a reason I will always want to return to the theater. And that is: the food. For some reason, getting that greasy food at a theater and staring up at the giant screen makes the bad caloric decision a little less terrible. So this week I have decided to rank my top five snacks to get at the theater. I again have an honorable mention, because, well… it’s my blog and I can do whatever I want!
Honorable Mention: Booze
First and foremost, if you are not of legal age don’t drink. It just isn’t worth it and the punishments for underage drinking FAR outweigh any benefits. So with that out of the way, how awesome is it to grab a Coors Light or a martini before you go and watch a movie in the theater!? It’s great! I remember the first time the local theater near me offered alcohol. I was going to see Batman vs. Superman and to be able to drink a beer while cheering on The Great Detective as he beat the hell out of The Man in Tights was awesome. The reason why this is so low on my list is twofold. First, it costs WAY too much. Eight or nine bucks for a beer is dumb. I won’t pay that at a college football game, I sure as hell won’t pay that at a theater. The second is that it doesn’t last. One of the criteria I placed on making this list is how long does the snack last. No one likes a cold beer, and no one (should) sip on a beer. So if you are going to sit there and watch Alejandro González Iñárritu’s next film, a beer would not work. Would you have wanted to get up and leave the theater to get a refill during “Birdman”? Come on son.
5. Hot Dogs
In my opinion, I do not think that there is a better food item to describe America than a hot dog. It goes with so many of our pastimes, and we even have a televised hot dog eating contest on the 4th of July!! So to be able to grab one at a theater is fantastic. One of the best things about a hot dog at the theater is that they tend to be cheap. For example, my theater lets you add a hot dog to a combo for a buck. Even though I have been dieting since January, I always add the hot dog. Most theaters have ketchup, mustard, and relish available to customize your hot dog to your preferences. For me, just drop a packet of ketchup on it and we are good to go. Another benefit to the hot dog is that normally it is wrapped in foil. This not only keeps it hot so it’ll last a little longer, but it can drop into a coat pocket or purse so that you can keep your hands open. The negatives for this one are similar to booze. You still need to consume the hot dog within the first hour of the movie, which means you’ll be hungry at least for the third act. The other problem is that if you just get a hot dog, it usually costs three or four bucks. If you pay that for a hot dog, you should be supporting “Here’s Johnny” on Patreon.
4. Pizza
This was a hard one for me. I love pizza. If I were to pick my favorite meal, and steaks were not to be considered, it would be pizza. You can do whatever you want with a pizza, and it can meet whatever craving you are currently feeling. The reason it is not higher on this list is that usually when you get a pizza at a theater, it is not customizable. You are usually just getting a cheese or pepperoni pizza pulled from the ice box and thrown into an oven. It’s still good, but I’d rather grab a hot dog. So why is it above the hot dogs you might ask? Because there are some theaters now that are copying the Pizza Cucinova model and letting patrons build their own pizza to take into the theater. It also seems that this trend is spreading. Tell me your jaw didn’t just hit the floor. Can you imagine getting a chicken bacon ranch pizza and going to watch “Aquaman” this fall?? Another benefit about pizza is that even if it gets cold, it still is good. That way, it can last you the whole movie!
3. Slushies
Spoiler alert, I did not include soda on this list. I felt that pop and the like were a no brainer and that if you go to a theater and don’t grab a drink, you are a crazy person. Maybe one day I will rank the best options between the sodas, but for now, know you won’t see Coke Zero at the top of this list. But slushies are different. I remember as a kid one of the best things about going to a Walmart or a K-Mart was getting a slushies as soon as I walked in the door! Most places no longer keep around slushies machines, and unless it’s the middle of summer finding them can be a real bear. Fortunately, they are still a main stay at most theaters. A great thing about slushies is that even as they melt, they are still super good! And unless you are watching a three hour epic, it should be cold the whole time. They are normally not pricey, which also makes them a great choice. So the next time you go out to the theater, grab a slushy instead of a Crystal Pepsi. You will not be disappointed.
2. Goobers
Oh the many, many candy options at the movie theater. From M&M’s to Twizzlers to Sour Patch Kids there is usually a candy to meet every sweet tooth’s needs. But again, this is my list and if I am picking a candy to bring along with me to the theater this weekend, it is going to be Goobers. I cannot think of a better candy than them. Chocolate covered peanuts, I mean come on! The perfect mix of sweet and salty. They can easily last you the whole movie if you play your cards right and the first Goober will taste just as awesome as the last Goober. Another benefit is that this is one of the snacks you can sneak into the theater without drawing too much attention. They already sell them at most theaters, so having them on you isn’t all that surprising. And instead of spending four or five dollars on them at the theater, stop by Walmart beforehand grab two boxes for two bucks and shove them in your pockets. You can thank me later by taking the money you saved on candy and spending it on Patreon for “Here’s Johnny”!
1. Popcorn
Was there ever any question what number one was going to be?!?! I know last week I may have ruffled a few feathers by making “Scream 2” my favorite Wes Craven movie, but popcorn HAS to be the number one snack to get at the theater. It goes with literally everything you can get at the theater. It lasts for the whole movie, and if for some reason you are able to smash a large popcorn before the show is over (by the way good for you sir on that feat) you get a free refill. You can also have the theater worker adjust the butter to your content. I know for me, I have them fill it a third and then layer it with butter. Then fill it another third, and layer it again with butter. They then top this monster off, add one more layer of butter and I add a thick layer of salt on top. Just be sure you have plenty of napkins and a drink handy. I promise you that you will need it! I love movie theater popcorn so much, that I have done something I doubt many others have. For the last season of Game of Thrones, I went to the theater before the episode started, got a large popcorn and took it home with me. Being able to watch Thrones with movie theater quality popcorn is THE GREATEST EVER and I suggest you try it for next season.
So that is my list for the week. What did you think? Are you on team popcorn or do you think another snack deserves a crown? Are you someone who has no problem spending a stupid amount of money on hot dogs? Do you like warm beer? Either let me know in the comments or send the show an email at heresjohnnypodcast@gmail.com