We are going to take a break movie reviews this week and I am going to try something brand new. As you can see from the title, I am going to share with you what I believe to be the Five Best Ways to Survive a Horror Movie situation, going from least helpful to most helpful. I am going to provide specific details from horror films to support my thesis, along with my own random thoughts and input. So with that being said, shall we dive right in?
5. NEVER TRUST A CHILD
Kids suck. It is really that simple. Think about kids you interact with in your own life. Even if they are your own, you know deep down that all they do is cause problems, poop everywhere, and waste all of your money. Now, take that same awful demographic and put them into a Horror Movie Situation. Are the suddenly going to be great? Helpful to the highest extent? NO! They are going to cause you to act irrationally, and may even be the source of the hellish situation you have found yourself in.
My first example to support my point is Damian from the 1976 classic “The Omen” starring Gregory Peck as the boy’s father. Damian is not really Peck’s son, but THE ACTUAL SON OF THE DEVIL. That’s right, Peck and his wife were deceived into raising the spawn of Lucifer. What do you think happens to the new family? Were you expecting nurture to trump nature and their lives to be all swell? If so, I have an oasis in Africa I would like to sell you. Email the podcast for details. No, Damian starts killing everyone around him and that includes his poor sap parents. Genetics always wins folks, and you can take that to the bank.
Next, let’s look at the lovely youngsters of Gatlin, Nebraska. Do you, lovely reader, know anything about the adolescents of Gatlin? Well in the 1984 film “Children of the Corn” they kill all the adults in their town. Every. Last. One. Why would they do that? Did their parents mistreat them? Were they brainwashed by an alien or a demon? Could it have been one giant misunderstanding? Nothing that benign alas. The entity “He Who Walks Behind The Rows” told the children that they must kill off all the adults. So you have a whole bunch of kids running around town with scythes and pitchforks murdering every adult they come across just to appease a boogeyman who likes to hide in corn fields. And it comes out of nowhere too. No preamble, no warnings, just little Johnny and Susie cutting their parents throats in their beds. Now, who wants to make a trip to Nebraska? Anyone?! Bueller?
4. Keep Your Mind Sharp
How many times have you watched a horror movie and thought to yourself, “Why the hell doesn’t character X use his/her brain and escape the horror movie situation they are in?” I can tell you from experience that about 90% of the horror movies I have watched I have rationally determined how I would not get killed. Jaws? Stay out of the F****** water. Friday the 13th? Keep it in my pants and take a boat out on the lake. Problem is, most people in horror movies stop thinking and start acting really, really stupid. They then end up really, really dead.
Let’s look at Jack Torrance from Kubrick’s “The Shining”. Jack falls for the allure of The Overlook Hotel and its many ghosts. They trick him, tease him, and prod him until he eventually loses his mind. Then, he decides to try and kill off his family. How could he have avoided this? Maybe play Sudoku instead of writing the same sentence over and over Jack. If he had done something to keep his wits sharp, he wouldn’t have been so easily swayed by the ghosts and his family wouldn’t have had to leave him to die as a Popsicle in a hedge maze.
A better example might by Eli Roth’s “Cabin Fever”. Here we see a bunch of supposedly college educated youths heading out for a vacation in the mountains. Their first encounter with the locals should have told them everything they needed to know. Hillbilly boy bites College Man A, and Hillbilly Father berates College Man A, leading to a very tense standoff. So what do the College Kids do? Head further into the woods to the cabin. I assure you, if this happens to me I am going to a different cabin in a different woods, plus I call the cops for assault. Then when a crazy man attacks the kids at the cabin, with his flesh dangling from his limbs, what do our fearless College Kids do? THEY STAY AT THE F****** cabin!! They deserved to die, don’t even come at me about it.
3. Don’t Pull a Leeroy Jenkins
Oh Leeroy Jenkins. I hope the world will forever remember how stupidly you acted that day. In case my readers have lived under a rock for the last few years, let me remind you who Leeroy Jenkins was https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLyOj_QD4a4&t=13s . The basic premise of this rule is to stick together, don’t be a hero, and stick to the damn plan. Pretty much if you can do that, your odds of surviving a Horror Movie Scenario skyrocket. Let’s look at some ill-fated Leeroy Jenkins shall we?
In the best Jason Voorhees movie, “Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan” Julius Gaw is one tough SOB. He boxes, and feels that he can take on any man. So when Jason confronts him, what does he do? Does he run away? Try to hide? Pretend to be his mom? No. Of course not. He tries to be the hero the only way he knows how, boxing. After punching Jason several times, he is exhausted. So Jason takes one punch and takes Julius’ head right off of his shoulders. So please remember dear readers, even if you are the greatest boxer, shooter, or swordsman, an evil supernatural entity will be better than you and you will die. Don’t be a hero.
We can also look to James Wan’s “Insidious” to see how pulling a Leeroy Jenkins won’t work well in a Horror Movie situation. Josh is determined to save his son Dalton from the Demon Darth Maul entity. Josh has had his own run-ins with evil entities, namely the Creepy Old Lady, from his childhood. But Josh decides to be the hero and enter the Further and go save his son. While in there, he finds his son and is able to get them both away from Demon Darth Maul. But alas, our hero is separated from his son before they escape. Moments after Dalton returns from the Further, so does Josh. But Josh isn’t alone. Creepy Old Lady has attached herself to him and now poses his body in the real world. What is the first thing Creepy Old Lady/Josh do? Why they kill the psychic of course! Now who is going to help our dear hero Josh escape the fate HE BROUGHT ON HIMSELF!? If they had followed Rule 5 and let Dalton die, the poor old psychic would be just fine. Selfish millennial parents I tell you….
2. Keep it in Your Pants (Or at Least Don’t Be a Hoe)
Don’t have sex. Ever. Unless you are married and it’s off screen and you don’t have fun while doing it. Why you may ask? Because our crazy Puritan ancestors cast a dark spell over our lovely nation so that when horny teenagers give into the desires of the flesh, a crazed serial killer comes to cut off their head or shove an arrow through their throat. Think I am exaggerating? Name me one horror movie where a character dies without violating that cardinal sin. Even “Cabin in the Woods” pokes fun at the fact that ‘virgin’ sacrifice isn’t really a ‘virgin’ but she was the best that they could find. We can also look to some of the classics of the genre for further proof.
In John Carpenter’s classic and perennial favorite “Halloween”, my case is proven almost perfectly. Poor Annie just wanted to hang out with her boyfriend. But in order to do so, she had to shirk her responsibilities of babysitting and pawn the child off on Laurie. No sooner does Annie get in her car to go see her boyfriend than Michael Myers pops up from the backseat, strangles her to near death, and then slits her throat. All because she just wanted to go bump uglies with her lover. Next we get to poor Lynda and Bob. After having coitus, Bob heads downstairs for a beer. Guess who is waiting for him in the shadows? If you guessed Michael you may be a genius. Poor Bob is throttled against a door and then impaled through the chest to it. Michael then stares at Bob’s dying death throws as he sways against the door. Don’t forget about ol’ Lynda. Michael pretends to be her boyfriend by hiding under a sheet and kills her too. Only Laurie survives. Why? Because she kept it in her pants.
One more classic to examine is Wes Craven’s “A Nightmare on Elm Street”. We are going to particularly look at Tina, Nancy, and Nancy’s boyfriend Glen. Tina is the first of our high school heroes to run into Freddy in her dreams. She then continues to make her fate even more predetermined by bringing her boyfriend over when her parents are out of town. Want to guess what happens? Tina falls asleep after passionate love making, runs into Freddy and gets eviscerated in front of her now awake lover. Glen is even worse. Glen wants to make it all the way with Nancy. Nancy being the good puritanical girl that she is keeps rebuffing him. Disgruntled, Glen falls asleep while watching a bikini contest on TV. Freddy then comes along to punish Glen by sucking him into the bed and turning him into a soup. It is Nancy who wins the day against Freddy, not only because she was incredibly smart in her plan to take down the dream man, but virtuous as well.
1. Stay in Shape (Or at Least Don’t be Fat)
I have no reason to provide examples for this one. Why should I? If you are incapable of understanding why being out of shape could be detrimental to surviving a horror movie scenario then I cannot help you. Bad guys chase you. It is one of the only constants. If you are going to break the rules, then you damn well better be in shape. Want to have sex with the hot guy in your physics lecture? Be able to run a six minute mile. Want to slack off on your daily crossword puzzle? You better have been hitting the gym before taking on your demented baddie. Want to play the hero and rush in against the plan? My god if you can’t last for fifteen minutes in the ring with a sparring partner you might as well point to where you want to get stabbed. Do you believe that children are something to be cherished and protected? Better be able to carry them while you’re trying to escape the evil forces that want to do you in.
So that is what I have for you this week. Let me know if you agree, disagree, or if you think I missed an important rule. I cannot wait to hear back from you!