I apologize in advance if this post seems a little rushed. Had a very busy last couple of days, and sometimes I have to sacrifice doing what I love to make sure the lights stay on. But, with all of that being said I am coming through and delivering on my promise. Here is my ranking of the five different Halloween multiverses. I am going to go from worst to best, so you will have to read until the end to see which timeline came in on top! If you disagree or want to challenge my claims, please feel free to do so either in the comments or by sending in an email to the show. Let’s hop on in then!
5. The Where is Michael? Timeline
Movies include – “Halloween III: Season of the Witch” (1982)
This was hard for me, but the biggest factor in my rankings is how well they treat the character of Michael Myers. And in this film, he is nowhere to be seen other than in a commercial on the TV in the background. The story is fun in its own way, and I think it would be better remembered if they hadn’t called it Halloween. It baffles my mind that after two films Akkad and Carpenter didn’t realize that the behemoth franchise they created relied on two characters, Myers and Laurie Strode. With them nowhere to be seen and instead the main villain being witchcraft (or corporate greed if you want to get real deep with it) this one has to fall in as the worst timeline in the franchise.
4. The Cult of Thorn Timeline
Movies include – “Halloween” (1978), “Halloween II” (1981), “Halloween IV: The Return of Michael Myers” (1988), “Halloween V: The Revenge of Michael Myers” (1989), & “Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers” (1995)
So this timeline contains in my opinion the second to worst Halloween film to date (looking at you Curse) and really this one falls into fourth place because of how it ruined the intrigue of Michael Myers. Carpenter sets him up in the first film to be this unstoppable evil force hell bent on murder. In this timeline, Laurie is his sister and Jaime Lloyd is his niece who he rapes to have a child with that he has to murder in order to fulfill the Curse of Thorn so that he can become all powerful? It is messy, terribly acted from IV through Curse (with the exception that this timeline has the most screen time for Dr. Loomis aka Donald Pleasance), and it makes Michael far less scary. And who can forget the awful performance turned in by Paul Rudd. It is crazy how good of an actor he turned into after the crap performance he turned in on Curse. Curse is bad, but it is not as bad the worst film in the next timeline…
3. I Hate You Sister! Timeline
Movies include – “Halloween” (1978), “Halloween II” (1981), “Halloween: H20” (1998) & “Halloween: Resurrection” (2002)
Man, this franchise reaches some high peaks and manages to find its way plummeting down to the lowest crevice of the franchise. Resurrection is a trash movie. It ruins Michael Myers, it ruins Laurie Strode (and destroys the amazing performance and arc of H20), and somehow someone decided it would be a great idea to have Busta Rhymes challenge The Shape to a karate fight. Like what the hell guys? This timeline includes my first and personal favorite in the franchise with H20. I have always loved Josh Hartnett, probably because I really related to his character in “The Faculty” and I thought his portrayal as Laurie Strode’s son was great. And Laurie Strode returned to the franchise after seventeen years and delivered an awesome performance. She managed to kill her brother, save her family, and allow herself to be free from the terrible burden he placed on her. Resurrection took a dump on that too, making Laurie into a murderer and locking her away in an insane asylum with her son nowhere to be found. I never was one to hate the idea that Laurie and Michael were brother and sister, but after seeing the timeline where they were not related, I feel that maybe I should have been more critical…
2. The Zombie Timeline
Movies include – “Halloween” (2007) & “Halloween II” (2009)
I really dug Zombie’s first Halloween film. I snuck in to the theater to see it (no shame) and was terrified. I truly believe that it is the scariest film in the franchise to date, and that includes the newest iteration. Again Laurie is Michael’s little sister, but in this timeline we get to see what created the monster. Although I am a big fan of not knowing what motivated The Shape in the original film, I thought that it was cool to see that maybe Michael was more a product of his environment than just a purely evil being. There are some great stunts in this film, and the raw physicality of Tyler Mane is awe inspiring and really makes you feel terrible for the characters he happens across. But…. “Halloween II” was not good. It is in my opinion the third worst film in the franchise, which probably says a lot for my thoughts on 2007 film. Rob Zombie didn’t even want to make this film, but the studio forced his hand and you can truly tell. I hated how his Mom was now a woman in white guiding him, I hated how they killed Annie Bracket (played by Danielle Harris who was also young Jaime Lloyd in the Thorn timeline), and I REALLY hated the twist. In case you haven’t seen it, let’s just say it’s a trash twist and just makes no god damn sense.
1. The Shape Timeline
Movies include – “Halloween” (1978) & “Halloween” (2018)
When I discussed the timelines on the show, I really wasn’t sure where this timeline would fall. I didn’t know what to make of the writers best known for making pot jokes, I didn’t know what to think about Laurie and Michael no longer being related, and I didn’t know how the timeline would look cutting everything else out besides the original. But my Lord did it work! I don’t think this is the scariest timeline, but it is by far the best version of both Michael and Laurie. I LOVED how the new film showed that Laurie had fixated her entire life on avenging her friends from the massacre forty years previous. But I loved even more how Michael had totally forgotten about her. He returned to Haddonfield just to kill again, not to find her. It takes the story back to Carpenter’s original interpretation. He didn’t want to enforce Puritanical ideals, he wanted to kill. But… when he saw Laurie outside the house, his entire focus shifts. He is the rabid dog who just remembered that his favorite toy still existed. I think that that dichotomy is why the newest Halloween is so good. It makes Michael a whole lot scarier, and it makes Laurie question all the decisions she made in her life that led her to this point. If you haven’t seen the film, you should. And afterwards, you should listen to the review on the podcast! J That is all for this week, be sure to comment and let me know if you like the post and if you agree or disagree!
Larry
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